I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
