i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
