Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
