What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
