he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
