If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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