Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
