I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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