i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Randomize
