I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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