Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
