youre lurking in front of me
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Randomize
