after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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