Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
