Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
