The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
