You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
