remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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