When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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