i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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