you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
