I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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