I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
