so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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