Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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