How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Randomize
