I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
