A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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