i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
