i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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