just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
17 year olds will be the death of me.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
