i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Pants 0. Shit 1.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
