The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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