I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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