My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.�
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Someone signed my nipple.
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