I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
