I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
