i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
