You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
