No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
