you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
