wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Did you pee in the oven last night??
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
