No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
