I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
