his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
