My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
