I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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