That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
