i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
