what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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